Oscar reactions

Oh, Oscars. You started so well. You really, really did. Huge Ackman's cheese-tacular opening number was hilarious (once I decided to go with it), particularly some of the lyrics. (Lamenting the lack of nominations for movies based on comic books, and copping to not having seen The Reader, all the while referencing the recession? Brilliant.) I sincerely enjoyed the new way of honoring the acting nominees by having past winners deliver short tributes. (Though it does rather hammer home the reality that nobody watching at home really cares about the other categories.) Steve Martin and Tina Fey were, far and away, the funniest people to appear on stage. And the winner for animated short, a Japanese man I had never heard of, managed the most awesome acceptance speech moment by closing with "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto." Sweeeeeeet!

And then, with a thud, came the second musical number. The musical may be "back," Huge Ackman (and, since Chicago won Best Picture a few years ago, isn't it a little late to be observing this?), but that movie musical medley may have been the single greatest argument for taking it behind a shed and shooting it. I can only guess that Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Dominic Cooper and Amanda Seyfriend were all somehow contractually obligated to look like repurposed Vegas lounge entertainers. Beyonce, what on earth was your excuse? My inaugural ball goodwill for you wears thin. The entire number was heinous in a way that might have been awesome, had it not stood between Kate Winslet and her Oscar, and me and my bed. (Actually, never mind. There is no conceivable circumstance in which that number would have been enjoyable, even ironically.) Bad Oscars! No biscuit!

And finally, I don't know why ABC felt the need to lie to me so very blatantly. The perky-voiced announcer woman kept saying "Coming up, the awards for Best Actor and Actress [ie. the Awards You Actually Care About]" when they cut to commercial. Apparently, they meant "coming up" in the same sense that Independence Day is "coming up." Best Director. Commercials. We're-sorry-you're-dead montage. Commercials. Why are you people doing that to Kate Winslet? Why are you so confused about your slipping ratings? We have already seen those J.C. Penney commercials many times this evening!! Show us the famous people! That is why we are watching! If you shamelessly milk the ceremony for every advertising dollar you can wring from it, of course people will stop tuning in.

As for the actual winners, I am happy. I was very touched by the Best Original Screenplay winner's speech. (I can relate, dude.) It seems that the Academy's taste for the wackadoodle is limited, which is why I think Mickey Rourke lost. (Props to my brother for calling that one.) I am delighted to know that, on balance, I am still better at picking Oscar winners than Nate Silver. And, as you can tell, I am thrilled that my favorite actress now has her Oscar, and no longer has to care about the Golden Globes.

And finally, an offer to the TV Guide Channel. I don't know how much you are paying Joey Fatone and Lisa Rinna to accost the nominees as they arrive, but whatever it is is too much. (Lisa, if you're reading, fire your plastic surgeon and go into hiding until your lips again resemble those of normal Homo sapiens.) They are awful. I look relatively nice in a tux, have several neurons that can actually fire, and will take the trouble to think of thoughtful things (as in, "things that represent actual thought") to say to the famous people on the red carpet. At this point, whatever bang you get from Grade L celebrities is meaningless. Hire me.