Dudes, I learned so much

I love push polls. Trying to figure out what the "wrong" answer is, and then deliberately choosing it, brings me a perverse sense of delight. The one I got last night, sponsored by our friends at the Family Research Council, was no exception.

First off, they asked if I'm in favor of tax-payer funded abortions. My real feelings on the subject are nuanced, and fall along the lines of Kang-as-Bob-Dole's policy of "abortions for some, miniature American flags for others." But, since it was already obvious what the right answer was, I happily said "yes."

Next up, I was asked if I would still support "the Democrats' plan" if I knew it would mean the end of life as we know it. The nice recorded voice didn't say that exactly, but I wasn't able to transcribe the script in time to get it all verbatim. I do know that, apparently, it would cost us all choice in medical coverage, would encourage physician-assisted suicide, and would lead to health-care rationing as decided by a faceless panel of bureaucrats who will override choices my loved ones and I would otherwise make. Since the recording didn't understand my first answer -- "of course, you lying sack of crap" -- I was forced to go with a simple "yes."

My favorite question was next. I was asked about "research" conducted by some guy at Syracuse, which apparently indicates that even though liberals make more money than conversatives, they "give" 25% less. I was asked if I thought this was "plausible." Now, of course I believe this. Most of my friends are liberals, and you've never met a colder, more tar-hearted batch of skinflint bastards in your life. (I, myself, am notorious for stealing the buckets from Salvation Army bell-ringers, which is why I love the Christmas season.) This is especially true of the liberals I know who sit on the boards of various charities. Anyhow, despite how obviously true this "research" must be, I answered "no."

The last two questions confused me a bit. Penultimately, in a question that invoked the Holocaust, I was asked something about whether I cared more about how Israel is threatened from all sides by hostile forces, or about the death of countless Africans from malaria. I have no idea what those two things have to do with each other, and frankly had a hard time figuring out which answer was "right," so I simply said "no." This led to a question about how stupid pesticide laws had led to the proliferation of malaria-causing mosquitos, and do I think the UN should do more. Now, in all seriousness, I think the question of pesticide use vs. malaria is a complicated one, and that there is a valid argument that the toll of the disease justifies the use of the pesticides. (I was also confused why an obviously hard-Right push poll would advocate for UN action, since my understanding is that the seething wing of the conservative movement conflates the UN with Communism, global government, and Satan worship.) However, since I would rather glue my nostrils together than evince any agreement with the FRC on anything, I answered "no" to that one, as well.

The call concluded with an announcement that the entire mendacious exercise had been funded by the FRC, and that the poll was in service to the risibly untrue purpose of increasing awareness of malaria in Africa. I was left wondering what on earth any of this had to do with "families," and musing at the depths of deception the conservative movement has sunk to. (Seriously, it amazes me that an organization that so loudly touts its claims to "Judeo-Christian value system" is willing to lie so baldly.) Truly, it was a marvelous experience, and I just had to share.