Our octopoid agenda

Your days are numbered, heterosexual Americans. Enjoy your time in the sun, with your NuvaRing commercials and your ongoing toleration of Kid Rock and your opposite-sex marriage. It shall not last!

Why? Because of our mighty Gay Agenda. So vast and insidious is our reach that nothing is too labyrinthine, inefficient and counter-intuitive for us! From across the Internet come dispatches from wily adversaries, who have cracked our mysterious codes and will suffer at the hands of our gay assassins. (We favor smothering with tasteful throw pillows.)

First, from TPM, a minister in Minnesota:

A Christian minister in Minnesota said on his radio program that the nation's first Muslim member of Congress was soliciting the support of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community to implement Sharia law. Follow his logic with us, wouldn't you?

Bradlee Dean of the religious ministry You Can Run But You Cannot Hide International said on his radio program that Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) is only supporting LGBT rights as part of a strategy to bring Sharia law to the United States, the Minnesota Independent reported.

[snip]

"Why is he so adamant about overthrowing the Constitution as it is right now? Because if you pay attention to the plow he's planting the seed," Dean said. "He's trying to come through with Sharee [sic] law."

Curses! Our plot is ruined! If there's one thing that homosexuals love, it's fundamentalist Islam. It's why we're always summering in Iran.

Next, by way of TNR:

A conservative Loudoun County lawmaker says controversial airport pat-downs by the Transportation Security Administration are part of a "wide-scale homosexual agenda."

Eugene Delgaudio, a Republican representing Sterling on the Loudoun County Board of Supervisors, made the comments in a widely distributed e-mail sent in his capacity as president of the conservative nonprofit Public Advocate of the United States.

In the e-mail -- reported by WUSA9 -- Delgaudio also says the TSA's non-discrimination hiring policy is "the federal employee's version of the Gay Bill of Special rights."

"That means the next TSA official that gives you an enhanced pat-down could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission," he wrote.

Oh, rats! Our other plot is foiled! For, unsatisfied with Chelsea and West Hollywood and Fire Island and Key West and the entirety of San Francisco, we've sought to make the nation's airports our own sneaky pleasuredomes. Why try to get lucky openly with other attractive men at the innumerable gay bars in America's major cities when you can surreptitiously touch the naughty bits of randomly-selected, sweaty and irritable passengers at their airports? Sure, we may have to suffer through more than our fair share of Jeffrey Goldberg pat-downs, but one of these days Mark Sanchez is sure to set off a scanner.

You see how this works, right? Muslim underwear bombers = more TSA pat-down jollies = happier gays = decisions to register for a china pattern = wholesale destruction of American family, constitution and government = sharia law swooping in to fill the void = paradise for homosexuals.

It's so obvious I'm surprised it's taken you all this long to figure out.