In which I reveal my inner 80-year-old spinster librarian

I am going to meander a bit here, in the hopes that I eventually arrive at the point I am trying to make. Bear with me.

My parents are visiting this week, and my mother is reading "Julie and Julia." The prevailing opinion from her thus far is that she would be enjoying it more were it not for all the bad language. For my part, I tend not to get exercised about profanity in writing, so long as it seems to be in service to the book as a whole and not merely for prurient thrills or because the writer is too witless to avoid them. After all, writers have been writing with swear words for a long time. I can understand why Mom doesn't like them, but it's nothing I would object to myself.

I mention this to prove my "not generally prudish" bona fides.

I know nothing about the American Music Awards. I don't know where they fall on the scale of meaningless awards, award shows, etc. when compared with, say, the MTV Video Music Awards. I don't watch either, and don't care about who wins or performs, etc. (I do like to read when others make fun of what they wear, on the other hand.) Likewise, I haven't had an opinion about American Idol since halfway through the first season, when Tamyra Gray was booted off and it was made clear to me that talent had little to do with winning.

I mention this to concede that I was not part of the target audience for last night's AMA performance by Adam Lambert. (Lambert, for those of you who are lucky enough not to know, was a finalist on Idol last season [I think], was apparently quite popular, and has subsequently revealed that he is gay, to the surprise of precisely nobody.)

So, with all of that out of the way, let me now move to my main point, which is what the holy hell, Adam Lambert? It seems that last night, on prime time network television, Lambert decided to perform during the AMAs by, among other things, simulating the receipt of oral sex, making out with a band member, and flipping the crowd the bird. If you're interested in pictures, feel free to click here. (They give me agita.)

Here's the deal, Adam. I know there are a lot of factors are play. I know that your heterosexual counterparts typically behave like prostitutes (and their clients) while performing at such events, and so it seems unfair that you shouldn't do likewise in a manner more true to your sexual orientation. Life, she is unfair sometimes. I also understand that you may not be inclined to follow the path of Clay Aiken, another gay Idol also-ran who decided to pursue fatherhood and a stint on Broadway. (For the record, the Better Half and I saw him in "Spamalot," where he was both better than we would have expected and a good sport.) Vive la difference! And finally, I realize that, as a famous person, your only genuine concern is staying famous, not actually doing The Right Thing. I am not so naive as to presume otherwise.

But, as a gay man in his mid-thirties who suddenly feels like taking some nerve tonic and lying down, can I merely point out that it doesn't really help the cause of gay equality to go on national television (during prime time!) and act out one of James Dobson's most florid fever dreams? Is your talent so thin that you have to rely on such empty showbiz chicanery to entertain? I suspect you aren't motivated by such banal concerns as trying to secure marriage rights for yourself, but so long as these things are put to a vote maybe we should avoid carrying on so flagrantly/publicly?

Also, those spikes on your shoulder could put someone's eye out.