Well, they have it coming

Thank God for the Onion. They did a grateful nation an enormous favor in the aftermath of the September 11th attacks by finding a way for us to take our first traumatized laughs, a gift for which I will always be sincerely thankful. Leave it to them to say it better than I ever could:

Like famished dogs salivating before a warm and steaming carcass, a coalition of bloodthirsty Americans demanded this week that the entertainment industry provide them with newer, fresher celebrities to mercilessly devour.

"Our most sumptuous celebrities have been picked to the bone," a statement by the group, Citizens for Renewed Celebrity Consumption, read in part. "We can no longer subsist vicariously on the travails and public deteriorations of Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. These fetid idols are mere shreds of their former selves, and we, the American entertainment consumers, grow ever hungrier for a new crop of stars on which to feast."

"We need meat!" the statement continued. "Raw, bloody meat!"

[snip]

Media experts have been warning for months that American consumers will face starvation if Hollywood does not provide someone for them to put on a pedestal, worship, envy, download sex tapes of, and then topple and completely destroy.

[snip]

"Give me fame—I'm willing to do anything," said Los Angeles resident Jenna Sanders, an aspiring singer-actress. "Dress me up in fancy gowns, parade every detail of my personal life before the world, objectify me, drive me to cocaine and lesbianism. I don't care about the consequences as long as I have my moment in the spotlight!"

"Eat me!" she shouted to reporters. "Rip me limb from limb and eat me alive!"

I've taken a decidedly dim view of fame in America. It strikes me as incredibly toxic, though there remain numerous celebrities who somehow manage to come off as sane, decent people. However, that doesn't stop a seemingly constant stream of lunatics from flinging themselves in front of the American fame train.

On that note, the couple who have offered themselves up most recently certainly seem to have their eventual destruction coming. Ladies and gentlemen, our nation's newest morsels: