Dudes, it's soda

Remember oat bran? Back in the 80s (I think), someone somewhere determined that the soluble fiber in the husks of oats had a (somewhat) salubrious effect on serum cholesterol levels. Suddenly, oat bran was the miracle food that would let you live forever, and would correct the ill effects of all the other horrid food choices you'd ever made. The marketing gurus found ways of putting it in just about everything. (While I never saw oat bran toothpaste, I wouldn't have put it past the people at Procter & Gamble.) Never mind that you have to eat the actual oats on a prolonged basis to have any effect, and that the long-term impact on health is hard to determine. Oat bran! Oat bran, oat bran, oat bran!

Well, now it's green tea's day in the sun. Apparently, the "antioxidants" in the tea will make you super fantastic healthy forever. (This is hearsay, so take it with a grain of salt, but I once heard from a tea purveyor that they spray most tea with so many pesticides that any antioxidant effect is probably canceled right out.) Whatever the benefits of actual, brewed green tea may be, I think I may have found the most ridiculous beverage yet. Behold.



Yes, sparkling, fruit-flavored "green tea." Even more ludicrous, there is a "diet" version, which is hilarious considering that actual green tea has no calories. Let's look at the ingredient list, shall we?

Ingredients:
CARBONATED WATER, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, NATURAL FLAVOR, CITRIC ACID, GREEN TEA, SODIUM HEXAMETAPHOSPHATE (TO PROTECT FLAVOR), PHOSPHORIC ACID, ASCORBIC ACID (TO PROTECT FLAVOR), POTASSIUM SORBATE (PRESERVES FRESHNESS), ACESULFAME POTASSIUM, CALCIUM DISODIUM EDTA (TO PROTECT FLAVOR), CARAMEL COLOR, YELLOW 5, BLUE 1.

Wow. Green tea makes it all the way to ingredient five! I've never heard of sodium hexametaphosphate, but it doesn't sound like an antioxidant to me.

Look, I have no beef with flavored, sparkly beverages. But let's not kid ourselves that there is any particular health benefit to a soda that happens to contain some green tea. As it is, this sounds like the perfect drink to wash down your Double Down "sandwich."