Guide for the perplexed

I'm pregnant for the second time, and for the second time, my belly is, ahem, friggin' enormous. My first baby was not himself big, but for some reason my belly just gets huge. One of those things. My husband recently asked if I was sure I was not carrying twins. I had to remind him that he has been at the ultrasounds of our lovely singleton child. There are actually some advantages to this -- I look pregnant instead of merely fat much earlier than most women.

Most strangers are absolutely lovely to pregnant women. I get huge smiles, good wishes, offers of help with ridiculously tiny tasks, eager questions: "Do you know whether it's a boy or a girl? When are you due?" etc. Sometimes the smiles are absolutely beatific and I'm a little alarmed because I have momentarily forgotten that I'm pregnant and I can't figure out why someone would beam at me like that. But still. People wish a pregnant woman well, and it's a lovely state in which to be.

Some, however, are not lovely to pregnant women. They don't mean to be unlovely, I don't think. They don't realize what they say is insanely irritating. I was recently told there was a bunch of jokes about this in the movie Away We Go, but I haven't yet seen it. So I hope to use this public forum to recall a few things that have been said to me over the course of my pregnancies that I really would rather not had been said. I'm sure my sisters with giant bellies will join me in wishing these comments less frequent:

"Oh my God, you're huge!" -- said by too many to count. I know I'm pregnant. But trust me, no matter what the reason, a woman pretty much never likes to be called huge.
"No really, that's huge." -- said by a good percentage of the previous commenters after I acknowledge their remark.
"You're kidding!" -- said by too many to count in response to my answer to the due date question. Usually their eyes widen in alarm.
"I/my sister/my wife/my friend was nowhere near that big, even when I/she delivered" - also said by many. Good for you/her.
"You're about to blow!" -- a garage attendant.
"Don't give birth here!" said by several. Thanks for the advice! Although I was hoping to go into an extremely rapid early labor and give birth in a distinctly non-hospital setting, I will do everything in my power not to do so.
"It's weird. You look like you're about to give birth, but you're walking normally. What's up with that?" -- fellow elevator rider.
"So you're due any day now, right?" Actually, no. No, I'm not.

There is also little need to shake one's head in amazement and whistle.

Thank you. Done now.