To my friends, the Democrats

Hi! Enjoying the return to power? Good. Hope you folks do better than the last crew. It's why I gave you money, made phone calls, etc.

In return for the good faith effort I made to get you elected, I have a few requests:

1) Please learn to keep your pants on. This seems to be a serial problem. For a long time. A very long time.

2) Please don't abuse the public trust. Particularly not in a laughably absurd way more in keeping with some kind of low farce. Because I won't care when you get kicked out of office.

3) Seriously. I can't stress point two enough. Please remember, for the love of God, that winning a couple of election cycles is not a mandate to be a complete jackass.

Thank you. That is all.

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